A Lack Thereof

I'm talking about motivation.

I feel inadequate. I'll be honest, dear reader, most of my viewership for this blog is people I know personally, so this is far from easy to say.

I've sunk 10 grand into a film course that I'm enjoying, but I'm constantly left feeling like I'm not good enough, and not in the sort of way that makes me motivated to improve. Every script I come up with is criticised, and more recently I've been made to feel guilty for being comfortable with the work I produce. Hot damn, teach, I'm learning here. These are the first film scripts I've ever worked on, let me feel good for making a start god dammit.

The presenting work sounded like fun, like a way to add legitimacy to a skill I've already nurtured through shoutcasting. And hey, much like going to film school to expand on my writing skillset I figured taking this extra class could help me expand my presenting skillset. It has done just that, to some extent, but it's been at the cost of the other skills I went to film school to gain. I've been shirked on other in-studio roles during the term's three studio shows (save for the most recent, where I was able to take someone else's Assistant Floor Manager role). The tutor is clearly very skilled and very knowledgeable, but he's a poor teacher. Frankly, it's been innate skill that's steered me through that class so far (yes, I know, tooting my own horn...)

Then there's the feedback. I'm perpetually unimpressed. I've been grilled by rude tutors over things that aren't my doing. I've been subject to personal attacks by teachers in front of peers during spiels devoid of all useful critique. I've been told to do nothing but work harder, without being given any further guidance or an avenue to gain guidance.

Put simply, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for the low quality of work I've produced. I'm disappointed in my lack of motivation. I'm disappointed in my education so far and my seeming inability to make the most of it. Thousands of people have been through that school, and they boast an 80% employment rate for graduates. What's so wrong with me that I'm struggling?

It gets a guy down, and it's hard to get back up.